What not to say

I thought I'd take a break from my usually jolly posts and do a rather serious one.

A neighbor of ours lost his father unexpectedly last week.  The neighbor is probably a few years younger than Doug and I.  We were talking about what we should do or say about it.  I kept saying, "It's so hard!  What do you say?".   My mind kept racing back to non-helpful things people said to me after our loss (you can read about it here if you don't know our story).  Particularly difficult are things you say to someone who is not a Christian.

I can give you some helpful advice on what not to say.  No judgment here if you have said this to me at some time, just some unsolicited advice ;)

"Everything happens for a reason"
"It was probably for the best"
"It's very common"
"I know how you must feel"

Rather than go through the myriad of reason why none of these statements are helpful, I really think you have to have gone through a traumatic loss to know that none of these statements are helpful and some of them are downright hurtful.

Particularly in times of miscarriage, I advise not to say:

"Something was probably wrong with the baby" or
"God needed another angel in heaven"

OK, I know that last one probably stings some of you.  But as a mother who has been there-done that let me just tell you - most mom's are probably in a giant faith crisis right now and telling them that God took away their baby because he needed another angel?  Well, I think you get the picture.

So I made some brownies for my neighbor and was talking to his wife.  I was just really, really honest.  I said, "I don't know what to say.  I just wanted to let you know we're thinking about you and we're really sorry for your loss."

She looked at me and said, "There isn't anything anyone can say to make it better."  I told her that I knew people said stupid stuff all the time and she smiled at me as if to say, "Totally been there this week."

Even though I've been through a deep, personal loss myself - it is still incredibly difficult for me to find the right words to say to someone going through something similar.  Here are the ones I felt were *least offensive* during our loss:

I'm so sorry.
Can I do anything for you?
If you ever need to talk I'm here.
Can I bring you dinner?
Can I keep your kids? 
Do you need some time alone?

Do you have any other suggestions?  I know it's difficult to find the right thing to say and I'm always looking for ways to show those going through a loss that I care.  Leave me a comment.